The things we do for love

I just got done talking to Brendan online. It was one of our usual dorky conversations about a little of everything and just reminiscing about our life together. Then across my screen "FFF******CCCKKKKK!!! They are shooting again." No, not them shooting at our guys, just our guys shooting the "big guns" at night. This makes Brendan very uneasy. You can tell he gets skiddish. Maybe 20 plus years in the Army will do that.

I took the opportunity to talk to him about getting him the proper counseling when he returns. He's all for it. He recognizes that he's been through enough that getting a professional involved would not only behoove him but this family as well. I also have been laying the ground work to have me involved with as much counseling and therapy as I can be. I told him today "I am your life battle buddy." Plus I have the ability to at the very least understand the facts of a given situation and be the buffer between Brendan and the kids when they don't understand why daddy doesn't like loud noises or being snuck up on.

That's the thing as an "army wife," we see things that our soldiers don't always notice. Sleeping patterns are awkward, reactions to situations aren't the same, ability to focus is off and many other things just aren't the same. Its the trivial things. Granted there are always some changes that take place when a soldier returns home and most of the time life does return to normal. However it doesn't negate that period of time when things are "adjusting" and if that period of time comes and goes and things aren't improving - well there are resources.

The spouse of a soldier is the first line of defense that is under utilized in our homefront combat to a healthy, happy soldier and army family post deployment. I do think the US Army is starting to understand that and is working on incorporating a marital team effort to ensure the health and welfare of our soldiers.

I count my lucky stars that Brendan wants me to be a part of his "reintegration" home. I will never understand what he has seen, dealt with or has had to do in his army career. I do know that I want to provide him some mental security in the fact that I'm here too, I care about him and making this family work and work well.

Tsunami of a Dream

My feet were digging into the side of a monstrous sandy hill as I scrambled up it. I kept glancing back, watching the ocean slosh around it's salty water the way a child sloshes around water in a bucket. "Run! Harder," I could hear in my head as waves began to scurry up to my feet as if to tease me that it was coming. Now my fingers were grabbing at the side of of the earth. "RUN!"



Ah! A house. A beautiful old house with the front doors wide open. Refuge! My sandy feet hit the wooden planks of the porch and I bounce inside, rounding a corner and up the carpet covered stairs. "Higher! Get Higher!" My hands reaching out in front of me, grabbing the rail and pulling me along.



My fingers, starting to ache, grab ahold of the pocket doors and slam them shut behind me. I take careful steps backwards, watching the doors.... and listening. Waves, filling the house.



The house begins to pitch forward. My arms are out to catch myself, the energy is tense and strong. I watch as the waves begin to find it's way into my safe haven. I step back into another room, still focused on the doors, those large dark wood doors.



First the plaster started to crack. I could hear the frame of the house begin to pop. No sooner do I turn and smash a window to escape does the house relinquished it's structure to the force of the waves.



I turn to see my refuge pulled down my monstrous sandy hill and be swallowed by the ocean.



I pull my fingers out of the dirt, clearly I had clutched on to the earth for dear life. I stand and face the ocean, now quieting down to a simmer. I am sore. I am tired.



I am here.



My eyes sprung open far earlier than I had wanted. 6:17am. Or for your military folk 0617. I swear I could smell the ocean in my room. My dream instantly made sense to me.



I am a firm believer that everything that happens, happens for a reason. If I were to create a religion, this would be a pillar.



I thought I was going to die. Not figuratively - literally. The long and short of it was I started training to run the Army 10 Miler and an old knee injury (thank you West Mt and learning to ski) started to rear it's ugly little head. Or so I thought. Questions about what they saw on the MRI and next thing I know am I being spoken to about being screened for Leukemia.



Uhhh, Leukemia! Are you freaking kidding me. I wanted to run, not die!



I was shown the pictures and given a bit of a "low down." I went home and like an idiot researched what I saw online (always a bad idea but we all do it) and for the life of me I couldn't convince myself one way or another that I was going to be ok.



But I am ok. Got the word yesterday.



Its amazing what a little death (or thought of death) can do for you. I did some hardcore soul searching. There are things that I want to do with my life that I haven't even started. I want to go back to school. So now I am. My ship isn't going to come in, I have to go and get it. And I love writing. I LOVE IT. I'm not the best, I write about off the wall stuff sometimes, but I love it. So I'm back, writing.



There are other little things too, but much like my own personal tsunami dragged what I thought was my safe haven away, in the end there I was, standing tall, proud and strong. I was tired and sore, but I was strong.



I'm good at building little safe havens for myself. Physically, emotionally. I think I got too comfortable in the one I was living in. Its been swept away.



Things happen and they happen for a reason.

I'm baaaaaack!

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have had enough of a break from my writing and I AM BACK!!! Can I get a whoo hoo?!?

So this is my first post but its not super "official" because I want to play around with this new site and check it out.

Are you guys with me? Let me know, ok?

I HAVE MISSED YOU ALL AND MISSED WRITING!!!